There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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