im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
