Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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