watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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