Need sex. Gaining weight.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
