How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
