maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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