Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
