Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just cropdusted the office
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
