I cockslap morals
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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