Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
