I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
