if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
