Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
