hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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