She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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