If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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