i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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