that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
