I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
