You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
