yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize