the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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