I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What a dumb baby whore.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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