part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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