we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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