R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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