I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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