Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
this hospital has no fireball
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
