I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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