Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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