its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
