Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
