Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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