I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
