you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
