he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
