don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
