I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They took my balls.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
