I accidentally burped into my bong.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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