Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
