I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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