I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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