Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
