i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
