And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
