You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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