life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
