I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
