Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i came on her dog
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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