I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
