I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
