We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
