he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
