I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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