What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
