Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
