it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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